Dear Elves in Coffin 318

First, some background. My roommate and I have discovered that there are small elves that live in our room, causing problems, taking our socks, and making us regret going to stores like Target. Here I address some of my concerns to said elves.

Dear Elves,

When Hannah first told me about you, I’m thought she was just kidding around. But now that I know you’re around, I have a few things to say to you, mostly about your unacceptable behavior in regards to our room. And our socks.

To the T-Shirt Elves, I wish you would stop stretching out my clothes. I like them to fit the way they are supposed to, and your constant stretching requires me to do more laundry than I ever want to. And laundry isn’t cheap.

I also get tired of doing my eyebrows. So if you Eyebrow Elves could cut it out, that would be great. I really don’t need more eyebrow hair than I already have…

Jingle Punk Hood Elves, keep doing what you’re doing. Hannah and I need to lighten up sometimes, and bringing out our gangster roots often leads to dance parties, which are most enjoyable.

Now I have a real bone to pick with the Sock Elves. I only have about six pairs of socks. I don’t want to loose any of them, so please stop giving them to the other people on my floor while I’m doing laundry. On a different note, I don’t want Matney’s basketball socks, or Lauren’s soccer socks. So please don’t give me those either. I understand that you have House Elves to free, but I really need two of each sock.

And finally, to the Target Elves I say this: I’m a college student. I don’t have much money, and Target is one of my favorite stores. I would greatly appreciate it if you would stop convincing me to spend all my money there. I need it for more important things, like textbooks and coffee.

I know these rules sounds like a lot to manage, but I could use your help here. I don’t have the patience for your shenanigans. However, it wouldn’t be amiss if you sent your bud Legolas to come hang out.

Sincerely,

Anna Dirkse